Lijahne Beetge
How The Things We Tell Ourselves About Ageing Influence Us
“I’m too old for that.” “It’s too late to start again.” “What’s the point?” These thoughts can sound like simple observations, especially when life is changing. Perhaps you have considered taking up a new interest, making friends, travelling, returning to study, changing a routine or asking for help—and then dismissed the idea because of your age.
Sometimes there are real limitations to consider. Our health, finances, responsibilities and circumstances matter. But there is a difference between recognising a genuine limitation and assuming that age alone means something is impossible. When we treat a belief as a fact without examining it, we may close a door before finding out whether it could open.
The things we tell ourselves about ageing can shape how we feel and what we do. If we believe we are no longer capable, we may feel discouraged and stop trying. If we assume that asking for help means we are a burden, we may withdraw from people who want to support us. If we tell ourselves that learning is for younger people, we may miss opportunities to discover something new.
The aim is not to replace every negative thought with a cheerful one. Ageing can involve loss, uncertainty and genuine challenges. A more helpful aim is to develop a realistic, flexible way of thinking: one that acknowledges difficulties without assuming that the worst conclusion is the only possible one.
When ageism becomes part of our self-talk
Our beliefs are shaped over time by personal experience, family messages, culture, media, health changes and how other people treat us. We may hear that older people are less adaptable, that new experiences are only for the young, or that needing assistance means losing independence. Even comments intended as jokes can influence what we expect from ourselves.
The World Health Organization describes ageism as stereotypes, prejudice and discrimination related to age. Ageism can be institutional, interpersonal or directed inward. External ageism occurs when someone is treated unfairly or excluded because of their age; self-directed ageism occurs when we absorb those messages and apply them to ourselves. These are related but not identical. If an employer, service or another person discriminates against you, the problem is not simply your thinking and should not be reframed as a personal belief to fix. Getting assistance to analyze your thinking may help you examine the conclusions you draw about yourself, while practical support, advocacy or appropriate complaint routes may be needed to address the external barrier.
Research has also examined how people’s perceptions of their own ageing relate to health outcomes. In a longitudinal study, Levy and colleagues reported an association between more positive self-perceptions of ageing and longer survival. This is an association, not proof that changing a thought will lengthen a person’s life. It should not be used to blame people for illness or imply that a positive attitude can overcome medical, social or financial barriers. Its relevance here is more modest: the beliefs we hold about ageing are worth examining, while keeping real circumstances and limitations in view.
Experiences can also reinforce a belief. If we try something new and find it difficult, we may conclude, “I cannot do this at my age.” But difficulty is not always evidence of incapacity. It may mean that we need more practice, a different approach, accessible equipment, support or more time. A single experience does not necessarily establish what is possible for us.
We should also be careful not to assume that older adults are naturally more negative. People differ widely in their outlook, temperament, circumstances and mental health. Repeated losses, pain, stress, isolation or low mood can make it harder for anyone to notice possibilities and encouraging information. The aim is not to judge ourselves for negative thoughts, but to recognise them and decide whether they are giving us a fair picture.
What is cognitive behavioural therapy?
Cognitive behavioural therapy, usually called CBT, is a psychological approach that explores the relationship between our thoughts, feelings, physical responses and behaviours. It is based on the idea that the meaning we give an experience influences how we respond to it. Our thoughts are not the only influence on our emotions—health, relationships, circumstances and past experiences matter too—but thoughts can be an important part of the cycle.
A simple way to understand CBT is: what happens to us can trigger a thought; that thought influences how we feel; and our feelings can affect what we do next. Our actions then influence what happens afterwards and can strengthen or weaken the original belief.
Imagine you are invited to join a walking group. You think, “Everyone will be fitter than me. I will embarrass myself.” You feel anxious and self-conscious, so you decline the invitation. You miss the chance to discover whether the group would have welcomed you or whether you could have walked at your own pace. The belief remains untested and may feel even more convincing the next time an opportunity arises.
CBT helps us slow this process down. We learn to notice automatic thoughts, understand where they come from, examine the evidence, develop a more balanced alternative and choose an action that fits our goals and circumstances. We can interrupt the cycle at several points: by questioning the thought, calming our emotional response, or changing what we do.
CBT is not about blaming people for how they feel or suggesting that all problems are caused by their thinking. Some difficulties are external and require practical action, support or changes in the environment. The value of CBT is that it helps us identify what is within our influence and respond more deliberately.
The thought–feeling–behaviour cycle
Example 1: “I’m too old.”
Trigger: You are invited to join a walking group, try a new class or take up an activity you have not done before.
Thought: “I’m too old for this. Everyone else will be better than me.”
Feeling: Anxiety, embarrassment or discouragement.
Behaviour: You decline the invitation or decide not to try.
What CBT can explore: Is age itself the barrier, or are you predicting that you will feel out of place? What facts support that prediction? Could the activity be adapted to your pace or needs? Have you seen people of different ages learn or participate?
A more balanced thought might be: “I may need to adapt the activity or take it slowly, but I do not know whether it is right for me until I explore it.”
Example 2: “It’s too late.”
Trigger: You think about studying, travelling, learning a skill, making a new friend or returning to an interest.
Thought: “I should have done this years ago. It’s too late now.”
Feeling: Regret, sadness or hesitation.
Behaviour: You put the idea aside without finding out what might be possible now.
What CBT can explore: What makes this feel too late? Are there real constraints involving health, time, money or responsibilities? Which parts are assumptions? Could the goal be changed, scaled down or approached differently? Reliable information and advice may help distinguish an actual barrier from a belief.
A more balanced thought might be: “I may not be able to do this in exactly the way I once imagined, but I can explore whether there is a version that fits my life now.”
Example 3: “What’s the point?”
Trigger: Your social circle has become smaller, an activity feels harder, or you have experienced a setback.
Thought: “Nothing will change. There is no point trying.”
Feeling: Hopelessness, sadness or low motivation.
Behaviour: You withdraw, stop initiating contact or give up on an activity that matters to you.
What CBT can explore: Is “nothing will change” a fact or a prediction? What small outcome would still be worthwhile, even if the whole situation did not change? Could you test one manageable step, such as attending an activity once, contacting someone or asking what support is available?
A more balanced thought might be: “I cannot guarantee the outcome, but one small step may tell me more than giving up before I try.”
Try a small, safe behavioural experiment: choose one activity you have been avoiding because of an age-related belief. Make the first step modest—for example, phone the organiser to ask about accessibility and pace, attend once with a friend, or try a beginner session. Beforehand, write down what you predict will happen. Afterwards, record what actually happened and what you learned. The aim is not to force yourself into something unsafe or unsuitable; it is to gather real information instead of relying only on an assumption.
How to challenge a thought without dismissing reality
When a strong belief appears, you do not need to argue with yourself or force it away. Instead, approach it with curiosity. The following questions can help:
- What triggered this thought? Was it a comment, a change in my health, a difficult experience, or a comparison with someone else?
- What exactly am I telling myself? Try to write the thought in one clear sentence.
- Is it a fact, an assumption, a prediction or a rule I have learned? “I am 65” is a fact; “therefore I cannot learn technology” is a conclusion that needs evidence.
- What facts support this belief, and what facts do not fit it? Look for specific information rather than relying only on how convincing the thought feels.
- Am I using words such as “always”, “never”, “everyone”, “nothing” or “too late”? These words can turn one difficulty into a sweeping conclusion.
- What other explanations are possible? Could the difficulty be related to lack of practice, fatigue, anxiety, an inaccessible environment or not yet having the right support?
- What would I say to someone I care about who had the same concern? We can sometimes offer others more balanced and compassionate advice than we offer ourselves.
- What is one small action that would help me test this belief safely and realistically?
The goal is not to prove that a feared outcome could never happen. It is to consider whether the conclusion is fair, whether important information is missing, and what response is most useful.
Facts, beliefs and reliable information
Feelings are real, but they do not always tell us whether a belief is factually accurate. Feeling certain that “I am too old to learn” does not establish that learning is impossible. Likewise, hearing one person’s story or reading a dramatic post online does not tell us what is likely for everyone.
When a belief concerns health, memory, medication, finances or safety, seek reliable information rather than relying on assumptions or social media claims. Speak with an appropriately qualified healthcare professional about persistent changes in health or functioning. Ask a trusted professional to explain the options, evidence, benefits and limitations. For practical questions, consult relevant specialists or reputable services. If information is unclear, it is reasonable to ask questions or seek a second professional opinion.
It is also important to distinguish between a belief that needs to be challenged and a problem that needs to be addressed. If a task has genuinely become unsafe, the answer may be an assessment, adaptation or assistance—not telling yourself to think more positively. Balanced thinking allows us to recognise real limits while exploring what can still be changed.
7 Things you can you do each day to develop a more balanced outlook
1. Notice the language you use about yourself
Listen for phrases such as “I’m useless”, “I can’t do anything now” or “people my age don’t do that”. Pause and ask whether you would describe another person so harshly. Try to replace a global judgement with a specific description: “I found that difficult today” rather than “I cannot do anything right.”
2. Look for evidence of capability, not perfection
At the end of the day, notice one thing you managed, learned, contributed to or handled differently. It does not need to be impressive. You may have made a phone call, prepared a meal, asked for help, solved a problem or made time for someone. The purpose is to build a more complete picture of the day rather than focusing only on what went wrong.
3. Take small, meaningful actions
Action can influence mood as well as follow it. If you wait until you feel completely confident before trying something, you may wait a long time. Choose a manageable step: walk for a few minutes if appropriate for your health, contact a friend, practise a skill, attend an activity, or return to an interest in an adapted way. Set goals that fit your circumstances and seek advice when needed.
4. Keep connection in your routine
Regular contact with people who respect and value you can provide perspective, enjoyment and belonging. Arrange a call, share a meal, join an interest-based activity or ask someone to do something simple together. If mobility, hearing, transport or finances make social contact difficult, explore practical ways to reduce those barriers.
5. Balance difficult information with a wider view
News and social media often draw attention to crisis, illness and worst-case scenarios. Stay informed, but notice whether repeated exposure leaves you more frightened without helping you make decisions. Choose reliable sources, limit unhelpful scrolling and make room for activities and conversations that are not focused on problems.
6. Practise realistic, compassionate self-talk
You do not have to tell yourself, “Everything will be fine.” Try statements that are both kind and credible: “This is challenging, and I can take one step”; “I do not know the outcome yet”; “I may need support, and that is something I can explore”; or “My circumstances have changed, but my worth is not defined by one ability.”
7. Make room for both loss and possibility
A realistic outlook acknowledges that some things may be harder, that some losses deserve to be grieved, and that not every goal will be achievable in the same way. It also leaves room for new interests, different relationships, adaptations, learning and contribution. You do not have to be positive every day to live meaningfully.
When should you be concerned and seek help?
Negative thoughts are part of being human, especially during stressful periods or major transitions. Consider seeking support when thoughts of hopelessness, worthlessness or helplessness persist; when you lose interest in activities you used to enjoy; when you withdraw from people; or when low mood, anxiety, sleep problems or changes in appetite begin to affect daily functioning.
If you notice persistent changes in memory, thinking, mood or physical functioning, consult an appropriate healthcare professional. Do not assume that a concerning change is simply a normal part of ageing, and do not attempt to diagnose yourself based on a single symptom. New or urgent symptoms need timely medical attention.
A psychologist can help you recognise thinking patterns, understand how they developed, test assumptions and practise alternative responses. CBT is one evidence-based psychological approach used for a range of difficulties. Treatment should be tailored to the individual, and CBT is not the only form of psychological support.
Seeking help is not an admission that you have failed to cope. It is a way of getting support, information and skills when you need them.
A final thought: ageing is not a single story
There is no one way to grow older. People differ in health, resources, relationships, interests, opportunities and the meaning they make of their experiences. Some changes require acceptance; others invite problem-solving or support; and some beliefs deserve to be questioned because they limit us more than the facts do.
When you hear yourself saying, “I’m too old”, “It’s too late” or “What’s the point?”, pause before accepting the thought as the final word. Ask what triggered it, what evidence supports it, what else might be true and what small step is available to you.
You may not be able to choose every circumstance, but you can often influence the way you interpret it and what you do next. Realistic thinking does not promise that everything will be easy. It allows you to see the difficulty clearly without letting it define all that remains possible.
About the Author
Lijahne Beetge is a Clinical Psychologist whose work includes supporting adults with emotional wellbeing, anxiety, adjustment and life transitions.
